any time will do

get the fuck over it. another discussion ends with me making her feel bad and myself feel like a villain. she's been hurt before in this exact same situation and I want her to ignore it and of course she cannot. This is selfish of me and I recognize it but damn it we're both going to be hurt, and when she loses me because of this I honestly hope it makes her recognize the fact.

it's hard to love someone.

what can I say to make everything alright? what can I say to make her change her mind?

nothing. nothing except meeting her three years and a lifetime ago.

I'm sorry things turned out this way. I'm so sorry life is this way. I'm so sorry we spend so much of life being apologetic. I've been sorry so much now, that I barely remember what it is to be guiltless.

an outlaw love song

it's been a really long time, drunk blog. that's not to say that I haven't been drunk but rather that I haven't been motivated to post, that I haven't had the urge to spill my heartache onto the internet. I don't know why tonight is different except maybe everything is just threatening to spill over.

so K and I broke up, to my shame. it's another case of it's not you it's me but this time perhaps I was more honest than usual, too honest maybe and after a relationship of lies I couldn't bear to lie to her in the end. I never cheated on her except emotionally I guess, which is the worst kind of cheating and I do honestly feel guilty about it. it's hard to love someone who doesn't love you. I know how it goes.

but then there's the last couple of months which have been spent in some kind of horrible limbo lying to myself, and it feels like it did all those years ago with J, where I was so sure that being in love with someone was enough, that they would be bound to love you back, and that would be enough. but that's how it comes down, I really do think I am in love with A and I have been lying to myself for a year and now when we're honest with each other there are still answers I don't want to hear. Honesty can't always be the best solution. But when I am honest I wonder who she is trying to protect, and I know she's had bad relationships and she's had bad breakups and she knows one day we will be one of those bad breakups

but I am okay with that

maybe I want that bad breakup and the happy times in between and maybe I know that we're perfect for each other and if she would let go we would be crazy about each other and maybe I shouldn't have kissed her at new year's eve. maybe I should have distanced myself from her when I had the chance, before all of a sudden we were spending every day with each other and talking when we weren't and I was slowly slipping into that hole and there was no way out. maybe she was trying not to hurt me but it's impossible, it's inevitable now.

I haven't felt like this in years, she's the first one to make me feel like I did with J, for real, honestly. There was the year of April and Liz and Hayden and it hurt, it really did, but who are we kidding, except for April it didn't mean anything to me, and it was only because she was so good at sneaking back into my life. But we didn't connect like A and I do, the whole reason why K and I broke up, because we didn't connect.

I miss how simple I used to think life was. But really it never has been, has it?

sorry, we're closed

it turns out closure is all it's cracked up to be in hindsight. sorry you feel this way and i'm sorry I feel that way. sorry that i was one way back then and you were another, and when you figured out what you wanted i wasn't part of it, even though the only one who's changed is you. i realized you want me but not me, i'm too messed up or not enough.

little vision come shake me up, shake me up

long time long time indeed, spent so much time drinking drinking drinking, the whole last weekend I spent poisoning myself in the company of pretty girls, a saturday being more honest than I'm accustomed to. mallet's 50th anniversary was a great success for all involved, i believe.

tonight was spent being dishonest, like most nights, but more honest to myself. another chalk mark, another night behind me. Another night imperfect but good enough. another night spent not wanting to leave.

always do i long to lose myself.

it's been a while, a lot of things have been going on, not everything of which I can put onto this blog. I'm updating drunk for the first time in a long time, and it's so unsure, who reads this, and who I want to read this. A lot of things have been coming through facebook these days, seeing that my good friend ryan is finally seeing someone, that's certainly very good for him, and she is very cute indeed.

What else? Nathalie may be getting married, and i am not ready for all my close female friends to be married, and even less so for her. I really do not know how to feel about it. It really only reinforces the idea that I need to find someone myself, but where? I feel too damaged, too messed up by what has come before to be ready for what is to come. So much last year has only fucked me up, made me bitter, bitter of people who perhaps didn't deserve it, but I strongly suspect that they might.

I don't want to suddenly be a christian or a soldier, I don't believe enough in any of it. We all make our own sacrifices. Are they all worth it?

i just need a little diet cola, or maybe just a little lifter puller

too much excitement, too many friends dropping like flies. spent the weekend drunk and exhausted, dehydrated and uncomfortable. ryan came back again and every time it's like nobody ever left, makes me think we'll do this forever. almost made a lot of mistakes going back north, what's the point of going back to people who go back to other people?

makes you realize maybe you were never the first choice, just last one remaining.

i feel so hideously detached, uncaring about everything. i just want to graduate, want to make a clean break. i've exhausted all the possibilities around, and now I need a new place to ruin, need new girls to ruin me.

what am i doing with my life?

something i wrote a long time ago that i think is relevant, that really seems to sum up how i've been feeling recently: why do i spend so much time remembering when you've already forgotten me?

i need a new feeling.

we're old enough to hurt feelings now

been so long, never did update all year, not even drunk but i feel like i should be so this should count. there's nowhere else for me to write this up, didn't want to put something that wasn't remotely literary on the other blog, too much to say to write it up in the notebooks. spent the day listening to the hold steady's new album, which is sad and sweet in a different way. it's been so much to think about lately, so much going on, school troubles and sweet and dangerous girls, so many i won't see again and feel like i don't know well enough, never did, never will

too late, always has been

because we all make our mistakes and we learn our lessons; or we don't, in which case we must repeat them, repeat until we learn. learn not to put too much of yourself out there, learn to be hard and quiet and to try your best not to look past the people right there, don't get that sad and faraway look in your eyes. there's too much to get down about, there are other things to appreciate.

appreciate the small things in life: driving barefoot, getting monstrously intoxicated with people you like and nobody else. spend a day doing nothing, go to bed, do the same thing the next day. try out lucid dreaming. succeed. fail. immediately enter sleep paralysis. smile to yourself when you pick your lover's hair out of your own, tangled up in there from when you were tangled up with her. she's gone, but some things remain. hope that maybe you remain with her because, given the choice, you would have remained with her.

make your choices, give them to others. give her the same choice you give everyone else: i'll be yours till the bruises fade; and an invitation for her to do her worst. how hard she tries tells you all you need to know. think too much about love, how it's been the only thing that's ever seemed important. miss your friends who are long gone, wonder if they'll ever come back. think about going yourself.

remember how soft she was. try not to wonder if her eyes have gotten harder. think about the reasons she left, and realize how many of those reasons were you, but remember how many weren't your fault. think about a pretty, pretty waitress in chicago, and the best hamburger you ever had in your life. but these things aren't important. never have been. never will be.

concentrate on your life and where it should be. those things were never important, never will be, but they're all that's ever mattered.