it's been a really long time, drunk blog. that's not to say that I haven't been drunk but rather that I haven't been motivated to post, that I haven't had the urge to spill my heartache onto the internet. I don't know why tonight is different except maybe everything is just threatening to spill over.
so K and I broke up, to my shame. it's another case of it's not you it's me but this time perhaps I was more honest than usual, too honest maybe and after a relationship of lies I couldn't bear to lie to her in the end. I never cheated on her except emotionally I guess, which is the worst kind of cheating and I do honestly feel guilty about it. it's hard to love someone who doesn't love you. I know how it goes.
but then there's the last couple of months which have been spent in some kind of horrible limbo lying to myself, and it feels like it did all those years ago with J, where I was so sure that being in love with someone was enough, that they would be bound to love you back, and that would be enough. but that's how it comes down, I really do think I am in love with A and I have been lying to myself for a year and now when we're honest with each other there are still answers I don't want to hear. Honesty can't always be the best solution. But when I am honest I wonder who she is trying to protect, and I know she's had bad relationships and she's had bad breakups and she knows one day we will be one of those bad breakups
but I am okay with that
maybe I want that bad breakup and the happy times in between and maybe I know that we're perfect for each other and if she would let go we would be crazy about each other and maybe I shouldn't have kissed her at new year's eve. maybe I should have distanced myself from her when I had the chance, before all of a sudden we were spending every day with each other and talking when we weren't and I was slowly slipping into that hole and there was no way out. maybe she was trying not to hurt me but it's impossible, it's inevitable now.
I haven't felt like this in years, she's the first one to make me feel like I did with J, for real, honestly. There was the year of April and Liz and Hayden and it hurt, it really did, but who are we kidding, except for April it didn't mean anything to me, and it was only because she was so good at sneaking back into my life. But we didn't connect like A and I do, the whole reason why K and I broke up, because we didn't connect.
I miss how simple I used to think life was. But really it never has been, has it?
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