night moves

A, it shouldn't bother me this much, and I know I have no right, but it's becoming just like it was with J, and all this business with LB and how it hasn't seemed like she's willing to see me bothers me. I have to be vague and as a result these sentences read like some kind of stream of consciousness nightmare. But the thing is if this all keeps up then there really won't be anything here left for me and I'll have to move on before it all gets to me again and I always have that face, that face that Kelly said seemed like I was missing something.

We've got our problems

I don't feel great today, I guess everything's been slowly catching up to me and it's all hit me today. I've been thinking of J and L, and always wondering what's going on with A and trying to get over it. I realized today that it's been a long time since anybody's worried about me.

And I thought I never would, but I really do kind of miss it. And I sleep with a pistol next to my bed every night but I'm still afraid, because the things I'm scared of can't be scared away.

any time will do

get the fuck over it. another discussion ends with me making her feel bad and myself feel like a villain. she's been hurt before in this exact same situation and I want her to ignore it and of course she cannot. This is selfish of me and I recognize it but damn it we're both going to be hurt, and when she loses me because of this I honestly hope it makes her recognize the fact.

it's hard to love someone.

what can I say to make everything alright? what can I say to make her change her mind?

nothing. nothing except meeting her three years and a lifetime ago.

I'm sorry things turned out this way. I'm so sorry life is this way. I'm so sorry we spend so much of life being apologetic. I've been sorry so much now, that I barely remember what it is to be guiltless.

an outlaw love song

it's been a really long time, drunk blog. that's not to say that I haven't been drunk but rather that I haven't been motivated to post, that I haven't had the urge to spill my heartache onto the internet. I don't know why tonight is different except maybe everything is just threatening to spill over.

so K and I broke up, to my shame. it's another case of it's not you it's me but this time perhaps I was more honest than usual, too honest maybe and after a relationship of lies I couldn't bear to lie to her in the end. I never cheated on her except emotionally I guess, which is the worst kind of cheating and I do honestly feel guilty about it. it's hard to love someone who doesn't love you. I know how it goes.

but then there's the last couple of months which have been spent in some kind of horrible limbo lying to myself, and it feels like it did all those years ago with J, where I was so sure that being in love with someone was enough, that they would be bound to love you back, and that would be enough. but that's how it comes down, I really do think I am in love with A and I have been lying to myself for a year and now when we're honest with each other there are still answers I don't want to hear. Honesty can't always be the best solution. But when I am honest I wonder who she is trying to protect, and I know she's had bad relationships and she's had bad breakups and she knows one day we will be one of those bad breakups

but I am okay with that

maybe I want that bad breakup and the happy times in between and maybe I know that we're perfect for each other and if she would let go we would be crazy about each other and maybe I shouldn't have kissed her at new year's eve. maybe I should have distanced myself from her when I had the chance, before all of a sudden we were spending every day with each other and talking when we weren't and I was slowly slipping into that hole and there was no way out. maybe she was trying not to hurt me but it's impossible, it's inevitable now.

I haven't felt like this in years, she's the first one to make me feel like I did with J, for real, honestly. There was the year of April and Liz and Hayden and it hurt, it really did, but who are we kidding, except for April it didn't mean anything to me, and it was only because she was so good at sneaking back into my life. But we didn't connect like A and I do, the whole reason why K and I broke up, because we didn't connect.

I miss how simple I used to think life was. But really it never has been, has it?