sorry, we're closed

it turns out closure is all it's cracked up to be in hindsight. sorry you feel this way and i'm sorry I feel that way. sorry that i was one way back then and you were another, and when you figured out what you wanted i wasn't part of it, even though the only one who's changed is you. i realized you want me but not me, i'm too messed up or not enough.

little vision come shake me up, shake me up

long time long time indeed, spent so much time drinking drinking drinking, the whole last weekend I spent poisoning myself in the company of pretty girls, a saturday being more honest than I'm accustomed to. mallet's 50th anniversary was a great success for all involved, i believe.

tonight was spent being dishonest, like most nights, but more honest to myself. another chalk mark, another night behind me. Another night imperfect but good enough. another night spent not wanting to leave.

always do i long to lose myself.

it's been a while, a lot of things have been going on, not everything of which I can put onto this blog. I'm updating drunk for the first time in a long time, and it's so unsure, who reads this, and who I want to read this. A lot of things have been coming through facebook these days, seeing that my good friend ryan is finally seeing someone, that's certainly very good for him, and she is very cute indeed.

What else? Nathalie may be getting married, and i am not ready for all my close female friends to be married, and even less so for her. I really do not know how to feel about it. It really only reinforces the idea that I need to find someone myself, but where? I feel too damaged, too messed up by what has come before to be ready for what is to come. So much last year has only fucked me up, made me bitter, bitter of people who perhaps didn't deserve it, but I strongly suspect that they might.

I don't want to suddenly be a christian or a soldier, I don't believe enough in any of it. We all make our own sacrifices. Are they all worth it?

i just need a little diet cola, or maybe just a little lifter puller

too much excitement, too many friends dropping like flies. spent the weekend drunk and exhausted, dehydrated and uncomfortable. ryan came back again and every time it's like nobody ever left, makes me think we'll do this forever. almost made a lot of mistakes going back north, what's the point of going back to people who go back to other people?

makes you realize maybe you were never the first choice, just last one remaining.

i feel so hideously detached, uncaring about everything. i just want to graduate, want to make a clean break. i've exhausted all the possibilities around, and now I need a new place to ruin, need new girls to ruin me.

what am i doing with my life?

something i wrote a long time ago that i think is relevant, that really seems to sum up how i've been feeling recently: why do i spend so much time remembering when you've already forgotten me?

i need a new feeling.

we're old enough to hurt feelings now

been so long, never did update all year, not even drunk but i feel like i should be so this should count. there's nowhere else for me to write this up, didn't want to put something that wasn't remotely literary on the other blog, too much to say to write it up in the notebooks. spent the day listening to the hold steady's new album, which is sad and sweet in a different way. it's been so much to think about lately, so much going on, school troubles and sweet and dangerous girls, so many i won't see again and feel like i don't know well enough, never did, never will

too late, always has been

because we all make our mistakes and we learn our lessons; or we don't, in which case we must repeat them, repeat until we learn. learn not to put too much of yourself out there, learn to be hard and quiet and to try your best not to look past the people right there, don't get that sad and faraway look in your eyes. there's too much to get down about, there are other things to appreciate.

appreciate the small things in life: driving barefoot, getting monstrously intoxicated with people you like and nobody else. spend a day doing nothing, go to bed, do the same thing the next day. try out lucid dreaming. succeed. fail. immediately enter sleep paralysis. smile to yourself when you pick your lover's hair out of your own, tangled up in there from when you were tangled up with her. she's gone, but some things remain. hope that maybe you remain with her because, given the choice, you would have remained with her.

make your choices, give them to others. give her the same choice you give everyone else: i'll be yours till the bruises fade; and an invitation for her to do her worst. how hard she tries tells you all you need to know. think too much about love, how it's been the only thing that's ever seemed important. miss your friends who are long gone, wonder if they'll ever come back. think about going yourself.

remember how soft she was. try not to wonder if her eyes have gotten harder. think about the reasons she left, and realize how many of those reasons were you, but remember how many weren't your fault. think about a pretty, pretty waitress in chicago, and the best hamburger you ever had in your life. but these things aren't important. never have been. never will be.

concentrate on your life and where it should be. those things were never important, never will be, but they're all that's ever mattered.

Look out, you rock n' rollers

Back to school, back to all that entails, the apathy and boredom, the longing, all the commiseration, the mistakes and the drinking, drinking, drinking. Ryan Spain blew back into town in the rain, and we set off once again on that self-destructive road to oblivion. This weekend obviously we were too intoxicated for me to do much writing but now I am going to change that.

Drinking story, to be mixed with an account of the weekend.

So Friday Ryan and I set out to complete the Trifecta, that is, a flask of liquor, a bottle of wine, and a sixpack of beer each. Well we didn't quite make it, as after the wine (which we drank far too quickly) we both started throwing up, and though I don't remember much of this (Matt had to recount most of it for me) I do remember that I threw up for practically forever, and was in no shape to continue, though Ryan wanted to. I ended up having to wash my sheets, and I managed to forget about them and ask matt five times where they were, five minutes or so passing between each inquiry. I then managed to make my bed, though I don't remember doing it, but I definitely put the sheets on upside down. We may try again next week, and be more careful in our pacing. Friday was a lot of fun otherwise, as I hadn't been that drunk in a long time.

Yet the highlight (lowlight?) of the weekend was last night, at Mallet's long-awaited Pirate Party, where Brian did his best to get me stupid drunk and for the most part succeeded, and I had to fight down the bile towards the end of the evening but mainly kept it together. I had to try not to throw up, either. Seeing some people just makes it hard, wondering where things went wrong, realizing that it was me, always has been, always was me who fucked it up. I was reminded of when I was leaving, going back home, and she kissed me hard and I promised to be hers until the bruises faded.

And even though it was just a couple little marks, there was still a genuine sense of loss when they were gone.

Neglect

So I've been neglecting this blog, but this is for several reasons. School's back in session, and lately I've also found it harder and harder to get drunk. Sometimes the company we keep makes things difficult. I spent yesterday drowning myself in rum, and while I had an amusing moment this morning where I couldn't remember what I did for a few minutes, it all came back to me. Almost a fifth of rum will do that to a man. I broke my flask too, busted the weld on it.

There's really not that much to say right now. Maybe I'll be drunk and wordy later.

Sorry. I wonder how much of life we spend being apologetic.