it's been a while, a lot of things have been going on, not everything of which I can put onto this blog. I'm updating drunk for the first time in a long time, and it's so unsure, who reads this, and who I want to read this. A lot of things have been coming through facebook these days, seeing that my good friend ryan is finally seeing someone, that's certainly very good for him, and she is very cute indeed.

What else? Nathalie may be getting married, and i am not ready for all my close female friends to be married, and even less so for her. I really do not know how to feel about it. It really only reinforces the idea that I need to find someone myself, but where? I feel too damaged, too messed up by what has come before to be ready for what is to come. So much last year has only fucked me up, made me bitter, bitter of people who perhaps didn't deserve it, but I strongly suspect that they might.

I don't want to suddenly be a christian or a soldier, I don't believe enough in any of it. We all make our own sacrifices. Are they all worth it?

i just need a little diet cola, or maybe just a little lifter puller

too much excitement, too many friends dropping like flies. spent the weekend drunk and exhausted, dehydrated and uncomfortable. ryan came back again and every time it's like nobody ever left, makes me think we'll do this forever. almost made a lot of mistakes going back north, what's the point of going back to people who go back to other people?

makes you realize maybe you were never the first choice, just last one remaining.

i feel so hideously detached, uncaring about everything. i just want to graduate, want to make a clean break. i've exhausted all the possibilities around, and now I need a new place to ruin, need new girls to ruin me.

what am i doing with my life?

something i wrote a long time ago that i think is relevant, that really seems to sum up how i've been feeling recently: why do i spend so much time remembering when you've already forgotten me?

i need a new feeling.

we're old enough to hurt feelings now

been so long, never did update all year, not even drunk but i feel like i should be so this should count. there's nowhere else for me to write this up, didn't want to put something that wasn't remotely literary on the other blog, too much to say to write it up in the notebooks. spent the day listening to the hold steady's new album, which is sad and sweet in a different way. it's been so much to think about lately, so much going on, school troubles and sweet and dangerous girls, so many i won't see again and feel like i don't know well enough, never did, never will

too late, always has been

because we all make our mistakes and we learn our lessons; or we don't, in which case we must repeat them, repeat until we learn. learn not to put too much of yourself out there, learn to be hard and quiet and to try your best not to look past the people right there, don't get that sad and faraway look in your eyes. there's too much to get down about, there are other things to appreciate.

appreciate the small things in life: driving barefoot, getting monstrously intoxicated with people you like and nobody else. spend a day doing nothing, go to bed, do the same thing the next day. try out lucid dreaming. succeed. fail. immediately enter sleep paralysis. smile to yourself when you pick your lover's hair out of your own, tangled up in there from when you were tangled up with her. she's gone, but some things remain. hope that maybe you remain with her because, given the choice, you would have remained with her.

make your choices, give them to others. give her the same choice you give everyone else: i'll be yours till the bruises fade; and an invitation for her to do her worst. how hard she tries tells you all you need to know. think too much about love, how it's been the only thing that's ever seemed important. miss your friends who are long gone, wonder if they'll ever come back. think about going yourself.

remember how soft she was. try not to wonder if her eyes have gotten harder. think about the reasons she left, and realize how many of those reasons were you, but remember how many weren't your fault. think about a pretty, pretty waitress in chicago, and the best hamburger you ever had in your life. but these things aren't important. never have been. never will be.

concentrate on your life and where it should be. those things were never important, never will be, but they're all that's ever mattered.